The Year In A (Pea)nutshell
I’m not really a big New Year’s Eve person. For many years now, it has only represented a calendar shift for me. I don’t celebrate it, I don’t dread it, I don’t plan anything for it (other than an early night), I don’t use it as a marker date to start something new or make resolutions, and I don’t use it as an opportunity to reflect on the year that has past.
The time around my birthday however, is a different story. I tend to get a bit introspective and delve into the shadows of the past 12 months. It means that I have successfully drawn breath for another 365 days. As of this weekend, I will officially be closer to 40 than 30, so here goes:
It’s been another blessed and interesting year.
This time last year I was bored out of my skull and completely underutilised as a PM at a bank. It paid the bills, but I was unfulfilled and it felt like thievery – I was literally being paid to do nothing but show up. 8 hours can be an extremely long day. I used to think that this would be my dream job, but I was wrong. By March I had begun my job hunt in earnest and was growing weary and more exasperated with every agent I met and every CV I sent out. The place that I was working was going through a restructure, and communicated that they would not be renewing any contracts. Mine expired in July, so the pressure was on. I fluctuated between really excited when I got good feedback from interviews and was invited to a second, to really frustrated by how long the process was taking. Nothing makes me more insecure than the possibility of financial drama, so this wasn’t a particularly good time for me. To add insult to injury, my guru friend who I would usually turn to in this type of situation left the country. My monthly sushi and sauvignon play-date set off for greener pastures with his beautiful family. I miss him.
March also saw us taking a long weekend down in the fairest Cape. Beautiful memories of time spent with my Grumpy, gorgeous sunsets, wine, food, love, and family bonds.
By the end of March, we had been in our ‘new’ home for 5 months. We are still giddily happy there, and love spending time at home either by ourselves or with others. With the glum outlook on the workfront, my inner drama queen panicked and decided that we couldn’t afford to keep it. I’m eternally grateful that a buyer didn’t materialise.
April saw two job offers materialise. Yippee! I declined them both. One would have required me to be US based for a third of my time, and the other just seemed way too much like hard work in a grey, dull suit and tie bank in the CBD. I was also named in the credits of a book as a source of inspiration! My ego is still recovering.
In May I started a photography course part-time. Fun. Although I don’t remember or make use of much that I learned there, it was great to go on a course because I wanted to learn something and not to get a certificate at the end.
June was an emotional rollercoaster, and the pressure was on. Between January and June, I had been on about 30 interviews to agents and companies, sent my CV out hundreds of times, and was still facing unemployment. I was crumbling quietly. In situations like this, I withdraw, snap, panic, cave, capitulate, dramatise, and do not allow support, because I am unable to articulate what I need. Talk to me … leave me alone. Hug me … don’t touch me. Mention one trite phrase like ‘It’s all going to be ok” and I am likely to either snap your head off or collapse into a heap of tears. Needless to say, my husband also had a miserable month. Then a brilliant job offer materialised. 3 km’s from home, prestigious company, great potential, great money, and it was a new position doing something that I suspect I could have done well and added much value. I was over the moon. It happened so quickly! I went in for an interview at 8, was back in my car at 8:30, and had the written offer in my mail the next day. We went out celebrating in style. Then a few days later the offer was sheepishly retracted due to the fact that as a permanent employee I would skew their equity statistics. I was just too white. I was devastated. I was desperate. My contract was expiring soon, and I felt like I just couldn’t dig deep and find the strength to face another interview and answer the same dumb questions. I got off the phone from the agent who had the horrible job of telling me that the offer was retracted, cried, and went to my room. Lying there contemplating my future, feeling exceptionally sorry for myself and very alone, I got a call from the HR department of a company that I had interviewed with twice – a real outside chance, miles from home, in an industry that I have no experience in. They were making me an offer. I signed the offer the following week, and started working for them on a contract basis at the end of July.
July passed in a blur. I am a creature of habit, so I find any change traumatic. My thoughts were consumed with the idea of starting a new job. Needless to say I survived, and despite myself have even managed to somewhat enjoy it.
August was filled with love. We celebrated our first anniversary on the 11th. I am so grateful and constantly awed by the wonderful person who tolerates all of me every day. Friends of ours also had reason to celebrate with babies being born and house moves. Another long time friend and her family left the country for the land down-under.
September was heartbreaking. My favourite friend left to pursue his dreams in Canada, with his partner and dogs following suit in early October. It still feels like I have had a limb amputated, but I have accepted that this is where they are meant to be for now.
October and November whizzed past in a haze of year end functions, work, social arrangements, wine, work pressures and heat. December brought with it welcome relief and a much needed holiday in a beautiful, serene location. We also got the good news that my cousin and his girlfriend had finally gotten engaged.
We plodded through January getting back in to the swing of things after our relaxing break, battling to get back into the daily grind routine and making empty promises to start buying Lotto tickets.
February brought news of a tragic loss to a close friend. My heart still breaks for him. Machines kicked in, things were done, but the pain continues. The sudden death of a young woman made apparent to me just how unprepared we were in the event of one of our deaths. We have since gone through the somber and expensive business of getting wills drawn up, taking out life insurance, and updating our affairs. Nobody likes to contemplate their own mortality.
Looking back at the year past, I am overwhelmed with gratitude at the beautiful, amazing people that I have in my life and the love that I am surrounded by. Although I don’t consider myself a particularly high maintenance person, I know that I am no easy cookie either. I have so much. I am constantly amazed by the outstanding man that I share my life with, I have exceptional friends who get what I am about, two step-children who are a source of love and beauty, a brilliant job, and more than I could ever ask for.
If the year ahead is as filled with joy and abundance as the one that I have just been through, then I remain the most blessed nut on the planet.
Happy birthday to me!
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